How to not let separation or divorce not affect your kids

Let’s face it…

When we get married we don’t expect a separation or divorce. As human beings, we are hardwired for bonding.  When a relationship is falling apart it is a huge trauma for everyone involved. We are not trained to handle separation! Emotions are flying high, blame and shame and guilt are hitting the roof. Confusions galore and no direction where our life is heading.

Being rejected gives the same negative rush to the brain that happens to us in crisis when the fight or flight response is triggered. It is as painful as physical pain!

It could make us feel we are going to die.

When children are involved in a divorce it makes a bad situation even worse and it is up to the parents to shield the kids from the mess they created for themselves.

Here are a few things we can do to reduce the trauma for the kids

Maintain your dignity, Don’t give them details of how’s and why’s of the breakup. Show some restraint and do not narrate the story to them from a victimized perspective.

Do not speak badly about your spouse. Remember they are also your child’s parent. Do not make your kids pick sides. Both parents are equally important to them.

Do not use your kids as a punching bag or a dumping ground for all your hurt emotions.

Allow the kids to stay in touch with their parents, as long as the parent is not a threat to the kids.

Devote yourself to create a sense of safety for your kids rather than trying to be ‘right’ or getting even with your ex

Make it very clear to your kids how their lives will change and how it will remain the same. They are worried about the changes in their lives. If you can answer all their questions with calm, you have won half the battle.

Explain to them that you are separated from your partner as a couple but continue the roles of being their parents.

Check-in on them often about how they are feeling and let them vent and talk and cry without going on a guilt trip yourself.

Expect bouts of anger and restlessness from your children and be patient with it.

Children of divorced parents are not always in bad shape.. they get over it if it is handled well.  The children that suffer the anger, lashing, and victimization of a parent that goes through long term stress. It’s always helpful to seek professional help if you are in a stuck situation.

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Contributed By: Mrs. Kavyal Sedani, Hypnotherapist, Founder, Rise Above

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